When Listening Becomes a Burden

The Hidden Cost of Problem Talk

I used to have a colleague at work. His name is Raphael. He's very dutiful and prompt, has an eye for detail, and carries the company's business on his shoulders. He would pace the floor of the office complex, and make frequent calls to ensure the guys on the field did what was required of them.

And because I was quite close with this dude. He would share his department’s challenges with me as soon as we saw each other. 80% of our discussion was about the company. Such a passionate guy, you would say.

I would listen with rapt attention and allow him to pour his heart. About who was not doing well in his unit, about how the company's policy was terrible and didn't allow him to get results. About how a new hire was going to eventually mess up but the company isn’t seeing it. About many things.

I would sit with him and try to proffer solutions. I would take each problem and dissect it. I took it personally. I would scribble patterns, models, strategies and push for implementation so we could save the company from the loss he saw.

After a while I discovered that these problems had no end. But it came with force and increased in volume every single morning as I resumed. Raphael will feed me with his problems. After each horrendous session with him, I would ask, “what can we do about the problem, he would say nothing” I was overwhelmed.

Stating problems without thinking about solutions destroys initiative. I told him that was not how I wanted to use my brain. I want to proffer solutions. There was no point discussing problems you are not willing to proffer solutions to. And if there's a problem beyond my brain power or influence. I would rather not discuss it.

He stopped for a while and started again. He made my ears his dumping ground and I fought to prevent this from happening.

Why Did I share this story with you?

One of the most dangerous ways to lose your peace, health, creativity, and initiative is to overwhelm yourself with problems you cannot solve or are not prepared to solve.

At work, at home, in ministry, in your health, and in the national context.

Pose to solve all the problems and challenges you are faced with. Engage your talent, skills, influence, and experience to get a solution. And honorably leave the ones beyond your power, except you are willing to outsource their solution. Don't discuss them. Don't allow it to shrink your creativity, destroy your will to accomplish other things or just exhaust your energy.

The problems that fall within your power of influence. That is, the challenges you can tackle have more potential to move your life forward than the ones you don't have the power over.

Stephen R Covey calls this The Circle of Influence He called the other one The Circle of Concern.

Jump off discussions outside your circle of influence. Focus your energy on the things your power, strength, skill, and influence have power over. That is where your impact is. Listening/reading/engaging with conversations that don't concern you is not a flex, it's a burden. It would make you burn out of good energy before you know it.

If you are brainstorming on how to get out of any issue, leave your job, earn more, or become a better person. Focus on the issues within your circle of influence: The skills you can get, the contacts you can reach, the excellence you can add, the ideas you can implement. Not the country that is hard, job that is scarce, the weather that is harsh and several other seemingly logical issues outside your control.

Let me know if this is valuable in the comments or via email. Have an amazing weekend and breakthrough from within.

©Abiola Iyiola 2025

Principal, AI Leadership Consult